brkncaroselpony

http://www.momsblogs4u.com/index.php/2009/06/hurry-hurry-auntie-annes-pretzel-contest/
Auntie Anne's Pretzel Kit and $5.00 Gift Card give away! Go to site above for more information from my friend DMarsden92! She has some great blogging going on and a really sweet video of her hubby and daughter making Auntie Anne's pretzels on Father's Day!

I love him. I didn't ask to either! It just freaking happened. Now look where I'm at! Alone. Still married, still faithful, still loving him, not separated, but ALONE.
He no longer communicates with me. The only way he does is by handing me a few bills as in currency. And that is if I ask for it.  He has been acting strange lately.  Keeping the money as long as he can, not telling me how much we have, letting my bank account overdrawn without any concern. Not caring about the car getting fixed or not. He wrecked it and never even told me. Hoping I wouldn't figure it out that he fell asleep behind the wheel.  My blood sugar was 64 one night and he told me he was tired of hearing it.  I couldn't get downstairs to get something to eat or drink to bring it back up to a safe level and the kids were asleep, it was about 3 a.m. It was the night the babies were born to my cat.  I laid on the floor that night next to the washbasket my cat, Melody and her babies are in. Danny laid on the bed, playing Pogo and totally showed me no concern.  This is not the man I married. I don't know this man. I have no one to talk to.  He is working two jobs. I respect him for that. That is quite noble. But it feels as if he is running from me, the children and the responsibilities here. Maybe he just wants money. Well, he keeps trying to slide the money away swiftly from me, so it has to be about money too. And he is not taking his medications. He has an excuse for that, he has no time. Yet, they sit right next to his side of the bed, already separated for each day! Takes two seconds. He is going to have another stroke. He wants to dump disabililty. Know what will happen? He will dump the disability, take the f/t job and then either be late and get fired, or get bored and quit or have another heart attack or stroke. Then we will be screwed because we will lose his income and we won't be able to pay the bills. Then he will get mad again.  I don't think he wants to be here. I need help, and I need a car for myself in case I need to get somewhere for anything for me and the kids. My mom won't help me. She hangs up on me and calls me all kinds of names. Then she calls me and tries to be nice, I keep thinking this is great, then the vicious cycle starts all over again. I hate being sick. I found out people walk all over you. Husbands, kids, parents, friends, siblings; they all do it.  Why? I don't understand what I ever did to deserve all this.

  Well, my whole plan of writing everyday, has failed. I really thought I could do it too. I feel ashamed of myself.  I really desire to write, but I am not disciplined. The everyday things I need to do are dragging me down. I have no time to do anything. The older I get, the days and nights seem to get shorter; like a steam engine racing down the track and running out of steam.  Being terminally ill and being a menopausal woman is absolutely the worst.  People around me are constantly asking for something, needing something, want something or want information. I am the doorbell on the door, constantly being rang... sometimes I just want to say, "I AM OUT OF ORDER!".  I think to myself, maybe if they knocked instead, I might not hear them.  But then they would bang, wouldn't they?
  The family history sits, in a muddled pile, others are in boxes that are adding up, needing to be booked.  These people that I promised wouldn't be forgotten, I have already forgotten how they are related, or the specifics about their lives I cannot remember. I feel as if I have left them down. I often talk to people who do genealogy, and they talk about people they are working on, they remember everything about them and I struggle to remember one fact, or I remember the fact, but confuse that person with another one. Like for instance, my great-great-grandfather, the incredible  Benjamin  Franklin Markley.  He was a pirate on the Susquehanna River. There is really little information about him, but someone, somewhere a long the line, gave me two pictures of him. I found them recently, accidentally, when I downloaded Family Tree Maker 2009 on my computer.  I clicked on media and there were the two pictures. I had forgotten I had them. I wanted to cry because I don't remember seeing them before, and I loved him so much... even though I never knew him. He and Elizabeth Lawrence Markley had my great-grandmother, Barbara, who married Charles Bachman. Barbara and Charles had my adoring grandmother, Thelma Helena Bachman Bostic. Nanny Bostic died when I was just 12, but I adored her, she called me her little Easter Bunny.  Her favorite color was lavender, as is mine (and yellow, I love).  Her mother, Barbara, died when Nanny Bostic was only 14.  She died of Brights Disease and was only 43 when she died. No pictures that we know of exist.  I feel a special closeness to Grandma Barbara, and would give anything to find a picture of her. But I have those two pictures of Benjamin Franklin Markley and wife Elizabeth. I look at them now and wonder, who gave them to me? I feel privileged to have them.  It bothers me terribly to not remember who gave them to me!  I look at them sometimes and try to imagine what Grandma Barbara looked like. Someone said she had beautiful auburn hair.  How her children must've cried when she died. 
  My household duties are also being ignored. I neither have the strength or ability to get around and clean like I used to.  I depend now on my family, whereas, they were used to depending on me to do everything.  So now the house is beginning to look like a shack instead of a home. I reckon they are doing their best, ahem (cough, choke), but I wish they would try just a little harder. I would hire a maid, for like a once a week cleaner upper job, but don't have the funds to do so. I would feel so much better if the house were clean everyday, instead of all of us, having to clean everyday. I have to yell at everyone, "let's get this house cleaned up!". Now, if they would do it right  the first time and keep after themselves, we wouldn't have this problem. We also have 1 mommy cat and 4 babies. They are almost 5 months old now.  It has been hard to keep up with them all with litter and food.  They have been stinking up the house, even when we do clean the boxes out.  I just posted to my Twitter that I have kittens that need to go. Maybe someone will take them for me and give them the good home they deserve.  There are just too many things for me to worry about right now. 
  Financially, I will be lucky if I don't end up in jail. I have 3 checks out there, 2 already bounced and one is on it's way.  The first two were merely a mistake. I had no clue that they were going to take out service fees this month. I go to Sovereign and they changed their policies again.  Now, I bounced another one, just so we could eat.  Times are so tough right now, with Danny not being able to get a job, my daughter was fired a month ago and she is looking for a job.  My husband, Danny, went to get jobs and they keep telling him they are looking for teenagers.  We live on $1200.00  a month, with my rent being 1/4 of that. My oil bill is $238.00, my electric is $123.00.  Then there is telephone $14.95, Direct Tv $73.80, DSL $51.95, Allstate car insurance $55.00, Ancestry.com $29.95, Vonage $31.75, and Danny's medical bills.  My mother owns this house, I pay her rent and then she asks for the water and trash bills that are not in my name and are not in the lease. But if I don't pay them, she is threatening to kick us out of the house.  The trash bill is $50.00 and the water is $72.36. Add that all up and let's not forget, I am already $600.00 overdrawn this month from trying to feed my family, and I am basically done for. May God help me, I wish an angel would come down and save me, win the lottery or something.  I won't move because I can't find a home with three bedrooms like this for $400.00 a month.  Besides, this house has been in my family since the early 1930's, my great-grandmother walked in these rooms.  I can't help it, I need to be here and hope to die here.  I have never been this candid in journal writing, except for sex with my husband, but this was harder to write about than that, because, somehow, this seems more personal.  Any police officer reading this, I will go to jail for the bounced checks first before talking sex with my husband.  I am terrified. I know I will not have the money to pay all this next month again.  We have nothing in the house to sell, already thought of that idea.  I thought about making fudge and selling it on Ebay, I don't know where to sell it here in Lancaster.  My family believes I make better fudge than Boscov's. I don't know.... I can't work, or I will lose my SSI and also lose my doctors.  Being terminally ill, it would be hard to work, although I have the drive for it.  What I would give to see an income tax check come in my name, knowing I worked for it. I would be so proud.  Soon, I will lose my car, because there is too much to get fixed on it. I guess I will have to look for another used car in the Bargain Counter or paper that is able to carry me through for at least one year, till I need another one.  This was the first car Danny and I bought together with our names on the title, I only got it last year. The guy said it was in brand new condition. Yeah right.
  Well, I rattled on enough now.  I pray that something good would happen.  It already did, I am here alive, with my family and my Twitter friends, they are the only friends I have.  And I have my service dog, Jake.  He always brightens my day.  Looking for rainbows to slide on.

14 April 2009

  Last night (it is only 7:43 a.m.) and into this morning before waking, I had a dream that I thought was real.  And I woke up feeling angry and confused because Danny wasn't here.  And I think I had forgotten where I was, who I really am and what I am supposed to be doing.  I still feel jumbled inside, a bit angry and frustrated and still confused.  This is why I am writing. God, I love the internet and LiveJournal. Any ways, I had this dream that Danny and I (well, I decided) to have another baby.  I remember dreaming that we went to a place where they did something, I don't know what, to reverse his vasectomy.  Then we had to go to some other weird place that had me put his penis into a suction sleeve.   That was totally weird.  It was supposed to help bring back sperm. It was like  a rubber sleeve that to me, looked like it would hurt, but he said it felt good and was fine.  We lived in this room, just one room, that appeared to be in a gigantic tree.  We made love and I instantly got pregnant.  The first one was a girl.  A beautiful little baby.  Then a few months later, I wanted to have another baby.  So desperate to have Danny's little baby boy.  I got pregnant again.  This time, I did have a baby boy.  The baby girl was named Morning Rose.  The baby boy was named Daniel Joseph Johnson, Jr.  I was so proud and happy.  I remember that outside of our room, there was a field of daisies and we romped and played in the field together, Danny and I. Our babies were close by in a playpen. My other children were all grown up and had moved away.  And I remember distinctly making love.  It was so different, and I could feel him filling me up with his masculinity and his gift of his seed.  We were always hot and sweaty before we got done.  Our bodies rubbing together and grinding, my fat melting off of me.  My babies were oh so beautiful.   Morning Rose had brown eyes and brown hair and  Danny Jr. had blue eyes and blonde hair. A carbon copy of his precious Daddy. Their skin complexion was so perfect, they were happy, bouncy little babies and nursed at my breasts.  We lived like hippies, like during the era we were born in, but don't remember.  Danny was a happy man, he didn't get angry and lash out anymore.  The room was always clean and airy.  I could depend on him for everything.
  When I woke up this morning, I think I was still in the dream mode.  I reached over and he wasn't there. I had forgotten that he went to look for work.  I felt empty and lonely.  I feel angry, not at Danny, but at this life, because I am here and not in the dream I had.  That we can't have anymore babies, that we live in a stuffy house, that we live in the city, that  the house is always dirty, that we don't have nice furniture.  The only thing I am happy about is that my kids are not all grown up and haven't moved away yet.  I am angry that I am still, oh so fat, that the lovemaking we had in the dream isn't real.  And that I am not healthy enough to take care of my house the way I want to, that we don't have money to buy cool furniture to make the house look nice, that my mother owns this place and won't let me fix it. That Danny is naturally grumpy and does lash out and says stupid things and he doesn't take responsibility to take over the house when I am sick like this.  He just does what I do, if I am sleeping, he will sleep.
  I have a headache now.  I still feel angry.  It is 8:14.  I should be awake enough to realize what is going on.  And I can still feel the confusion.  I need him right now, to hold me and to read this, and to hold me some more and comfort me with his words and soft but strong voice.  
  OH GOD!! I cry out to you Heavenly Father, to heal me! Take this confusion away from me! Heal my brain from the Organic Brain Syndrome!  Please don't let me here alone to wrestle with the pain and confusion, the anger and resentment! I need you, O God!  Let the blood of Jesus cover me, let the lavender robe He wore, cottle me and keep me comforted and content!
Let His precious lambs that He walked with, be my therapy animals to help me get out of my miserable home!  Cover my husband with your wrath! Show him the meaning of being a strong man, to take care of his home when I cannot! Allow us to know the love of a husband and wife, that we don't see each other naked and shudder at our shortcomings, that we can love one another completely without judgment of the weight, or missing teeth, or whatever shortcomings we see in each other, please take the awareness away of them! I rebuke Satan in the Holy name of Jesus! Satan, leave our family, in the name of Jesus! You have no place here!  May, you O Lord, answer me when I am in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect me... Selah.
  Help me, O Holy One, to accept the journey in my life, that I, as a woman, that once had a viable seed is now dried up, no longer able to give Danny's fruit life.  To accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference, this is my prayer, My Rock, my Redeemer! Hear me! From birth, I was cast upon You; from my mother's womb You have been my God, even though she did not know you, You knew me, and came to me! Do not be far from me, for trouble is near! There is no one to help me! They have all gone their separate ways and have relinquished me and my home to the bowels of Satan with their own wants and needs! My husband, my children have been taken over by the wants and needs of the world and have forgotten the duties of their mother and wife!  Help me Father, to get strong again, so I can be the dutiful wife and mother I was meant to be! Do wait until I am old to take my strength and memory! Allow me to be strong to care for my home!  I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint, My heart has turned to wax; it has melted within me.  My strength is dried up like a desert plant, shriveled and weak. You lay me in the dust of death! Water me with your spirit, O God! May your unfailing love rest upon this family, Lord.  In Jesus' Name, AMEN.

10 April 2009  (Event happened on 8 April 2009)

  This entry is being written late, because I only started writing again and I am trying to catch up on the news. 
   Score! Homerun and the season has just started! That day, 8 of April, we had a couple of appointments and I made monkey bread.  It was a really busy day for us.  The monkey bread was a nice break from all the normal foods we have been eating.  However I did not correlate that the monkey bread was going to help rid me of my monkey clothes!  (That is what I call the clothing I wear. I highly dislike wearing any clothes at all.)  The monkey bread does not come with icing.  So, as a good mama hen does, I whipped up a batch of homemade white icing.  Some milk, threw in some confectioner's sugar and mixed it up good.  Yummy.  I made a big batch of that, we split the monkey bread into 4 pieces, so each get the equal amount.  I put the homemade icing in a bowl and sat it in the middle of the table.  We all sat around the table and had fun talking and dipping our monkey bread into the bowl of icing.  Afterwards, we still had icing left.  I was busy cleaning up the mess from our snack and I think we ate lunch before that, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it was. Anyways, the kids were in the living room watching TV and playing (oh sorry) WORKING on their laptops. I said, quite innocently at first, 'what am I going to do with the left over icing?'! Then a thought came to my mind. Danny was at his computer and I walked in there and said to him, 'Danny, you have any clean, new paint brushes?' Yummy, I wanted to take the icing and brush it all over him. Somehow, we ended up out in the kitchen, necking, kissing and his shirt came off.... gee... wonder how that happened. He had two shirts on... go figure.  The one ended up on the kitchen floor.  I motioned to the stairwell.  We were beginning to rip each other's clothes off.  We ran upstairs still kissing and forgot all about the kids (for once), closed the door and stripped off some of our clothes.  We had foreplay and he was just great.  I could feel something was different, I just don't know what.  I didn't get off, because he complains I get too wet for him and he can't ejaculate.  So, I held off, which was fun in itself.  I asked him if he was ready and he was.  IT HAPPENED!! He finally came inside of me! After a year or so of loneliness and misery, wanting him, needing him.  We both screamed, him more than me. Afterwards, we laid there and talked, cuddled and then finally went downstairs, (remembering the kids then) and acting like two teenagers who got caught.  It was so good, so incredible, even though I never got off, it didn't matter.  What mattered was that I was able to feel him.  We became one again.  This has to be the best part of marriage.  Now, I know, it is supposed to be one of the best things about marriage, but really, for me, it is all about Danny.  He is my marriage.

10 April 2009

On 7 April 2009, we crashed a funeral.  The funeral was for Esther Malehorn Brenner.  She is my second cousin twice removed.  Esther is the daughter of the late Dalvin and Anna Brosey Malehorn.  Her mother, Anna is the niece of my 2nd great-grandmother, Elizabeth Brosey Kiehl McGuire.  Got all that?  Well, the night before the funeral, I called my 2nd cousin 2x removed in law, Barbara Weaver.  It was the first time I spoke to her about the Brosey family.  Hoping she would have a little information, she was able to tell me about the upcoming funeral that I had missed the obituary for.  She told me I should go and who to talk to.  She wanted me to talk to Alice and John.  John is Esther's 90 something year old brother. I never did get the chance to talk to him.  But I spoke to Alice briefly.  She wants me to come visit her and get more information. 

  Now, I have heard about wedding crashers and party crashers, but I never heard of a funeral crasher.  I have not gone to many funerals specifically because of the reason I did not know the person who passed.  I may be related to them, but if I did not know them personally, I didn't go.  But Barbara felt it was perfectly suitable for me to go, so we did.  Anneliese, Danny and I went to the funeral.  Before I went, I was fine.  I was more uptight about crashing a funeral than I was about seeing someone who was dead.  Usually, I am upset and crying because it is for someone I know.  I was fine.  Calm and like, well like going to the grocery store.  I was rather unmoved, that is, until I got inside the funeral home and seen her.  There she was, Esther, resting peacefully in her ivory/pink casket.  With pink satin inside and a little blue teddy bear lying next to her.  As soon as I seen her, I started crying.  Looking at her, I felt as if I knew her in some odd way.  I seen the face and the white hair of so many of my ancestors and the loved ones I knew who went before her.  They had a TV in the side entrance next to where her casket laid, where you can see it from where we were seated.  They showed pictures of Esther since she was a baby into adulthood and up to the time of her death.  With her brothers and sisters, her husband and only son, with the grandchildren and yes, even one with her sitting on Santa Claus' lap before she passed away.  It told a whole story.  Yes, I knew her, in my own way.  I cried throughout the viewing.  I greeted the family the best I knew how.  "I am so sorry for your loss, Esther is my second cousin."  Yikes.  I didn't know what else to say.  At the funeral, Alice, (whom is Esther's sister-in-law) was the only one who reached out to me.  She came over and spoke to us.  Not even knowing me, but feeling like she was supposed to know who I was, you could tell she was trying to struggle to remember who I was.  I told her she didn't know me and that Barbara had sent me there.  She hugged me and I told her that I was doing the family history and she hugged me and was so excited.  She is a jolly little person and I look forward to spending time with her.  She told me to pick Barbara up and all of us, including my girls and Danny to come see her.  Barbara is the same way. Told me to come and see her and Don anytime we would like to.  I feel so warm and fuzzy inside.  My once so small and constricted little family my mom has created (by putting us kids in a cocoon) has suddenly blossomed into a much bigger family!  I really need to get more Christmas cards, I say! It is beginning to be a little hard to keep up with.  Danny's family has really grown too, and now we have such a big family!  Family history, has a way of bringing families together and sometimes it has a way of dividing families too. 
  Danielle chose to go to school the day of the funeral.  She was home and dressed for the funeral, then went to school like 30 minutes before we were to leave.  She once again, missed an important family event.  We missed Danielle.  I don't understand how she expects to take over the family history.  Who will then?
  Well, that is how my first funeral crashing went.  I am not so sure I want to do that anymore. But it was a life learning experience. 

10 April 2009

"My Day" 
  Eleanor Roosevelt used to write everyday a column for the newspapers. Eleanor did this from 1936 until her death in 1962.  She wrote about everything and anything.  Eleanor wrote about the times she was living in and how others struggled or became victorious.  She often wrote about her day and what she did.  In going through old newspapers, scrambling to find obituaries, I often read her columns. I found them very interesting, some were amusing and some were often very sad.  So, in honor of one of the women I look up to and as a encouragement to myself to continue to write and become more diligent at it, I am going to write everyday (or try to) in my journal about "My Day". 
  Today was a little worrisome.  I had blood work done on Monday and the nurse wouldn't tell me what was wrong, that I had to see the doctor to find out.  I went in today.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but things could be better too.  I am struggling with my diabetes.  My body is rejecting my own insulin.  Giving me insulin at this point would be worthless as well, since my body will only reject that also.  Doc put me on Javumet.  A form of diabetes meds that is a combination of two diabetic medications.  I lost two pounds since last week. We had discussed gastric bypass and after coming home and researching it and talking to people who knew of people who had that done, at the time being, I have decided another option.  In 4 weeks, I will be starting a new regiment of diet pills that are prescribed by the doctor.  More on that when it happens.  He put me on another antibiotic, my 3rd one in a month. Can't seem to shake the infections that I am constantly getting.  My cholesterol is a little close to being on the high side, but I am holding my own.  Will recheck in a few weeks.  Other than that, I am pretty healthy. For that I am grateful.
  Before I went to the doctor's, I went to the Historical Society. Haven't been there since last year.  It was nice for awhile. Then went to doctor, then to Turkey Hill, got a little gas, $10.00 worth. Put me up to about a 1/4 tank. $2.03 a gallon.  Went inside and got a hot dog for lunch. I called the family to let them know how it went.  I was excited to talk to Danny.  I had been missing him all morning and couldn't stop thinking about him! It was amazingly distracting. I could smell him,feel him, taste him and hear his voice.  But when he answered the phone, he was a bit grumpy.  That killed it for me.  Danielle wanted to go to the LCHS too. It was supposed to be my day, but I won't say no to someone who wants to do research. Turns out, she was basically on her lap-top all day anyways, no research done. 
 I, on the other hand, got a few obits done.  Some were extremely annoying and I couldn't find them. Due to being to early, like before 1899.  You get lucky sometimes, but not most of the time.  Anyways, I usually get caught up in reading the articles from before 1900.  They have the most interesting articles in those papers.  After 1900, ah, not so much.  Like today, I read an article from about 1893, where these cows had some type of disease and the cows had knowledge of their condition, (according to the article) and they rammed their heads in to cement walls crushing their skulls and committed suicide! The article title was COWS COMMIT SUICIDE. Seriously! I should had printed it out.  I came home and after dinner, I shared with Danny about some of the articles I read in the old papers.  This article was one of them. Anneliese was in the living room on her laptop within ear shot distance.  I told him about the cows, expecting some consideration and sadness on the cow's part.  All Danny did was laugh and laugh.  Made jokes of these poor cows.  I, on the other hand, am a cow lover.  I collect cows. I adore them.  This has brought mine and Danny's relationship to a whole new level.  Oh my. I am in such distress.  That article about the cows made me sad. 
  At any rate, I plan on taking it somewhat easy this weekend.  Easter weekend is upon us, and my kids are a little disgruntled that they are not getting a Easter basket or a plate.  HHmmmm.... and Daddy just went out and bought them brand new laptops??!! Wow.  What a concept there.  One is 19 and the other 13. They need a Easter Basket, why? 
  Well, I am out of here for now.  Want to do another journal writing about something we did the other day. I would put it in here, but I like my journal writings to be somewhat subject organized, if at all possible.  Did I tell you that Walmart took out their Self-checkout lanes where you can play cashier?  Gee, I wonder why.... I guess it took quite a orchard of nut trees to fall on their heads to figure that one out. I wonder just how much they loss in a year to people stealing?

24 March 2009


After  living what I felt was a 'decent' life, my time  on earth came to the
 end.
 
 The  first thing I remember is sitting on a bench in  the waiting room of
 what I thought to be a court  house.
 
 The doors opened and I was  instructed to come in and have a seat by the
 defense table.
 
 As I looked around I saw  the 'prosecutor.'
 
 He was a villainous  looking gent who snarled as he stared at me.  He
 definitely was the most evil person I  have ever seen.
 
 I sat down and looked to  my left and there sat My Attorney,  kind  and
 gentle looking man whose appearance seemed  so familiar to me, I felt I knew  Him.
 
 The  corner door flew open and there appeared the  Judge in full flowing
 robes.
 
 He commanded  an awesome presence as He moved across the room  I couldn't take my eyes off Him.
 
 As He  took His seat behind the bench, He said, 'Let us  begin.'
 
 The prosecutor rose and  said,
 
 'My  name is Satan and I am here to show you why this  man belongs in hell.'
 
 He  proceeded to tell of lies that I told, things  that I stole, and In the
 past when I cheated  others. Satan told of other horrible Perversions  that
 were once in my life and the more he spoke,  the further down in my seat I  sank.
 
 I was so embarrassed that I  couldn't look at anyone, even my own Attorney,
 as the Devil told of sins that even I had  completely forgotten  about.
 
 As  upset as I was at Satan for telling all these  things about me, I was
 equally upset at My  Attorney who sat there silently not offering any  form of
 defense at all.
 
 I  know I had been guilty of those things, but I  had done some good in my
 life - couldn't that at  least equal out part of the harm I'd  done?
 
 Satan  finished with a fury and said, 'This man belongs  in hell, he is
 guilty of all that I have charged  and there is not a person who can prove
 otherwise.'
 
 When  it was His turn, My Attorney first asked if He  might approach the
 bench.  The  Judge allowed this over the strong  objection of Satan, and beckoned Him to come  forward.
 
 As He got up and started  walking, I was able to see Him in His full
 splendor and majesty.
 
 I realized  why He seemed so familiar; this was Jesus  representing me, my
 Lord and my  Savior.
 
 He  stopped at the bench and softly said to the  Judge, 'Hi, Dad,' and then
 He turned to address  the court.
 
 'Satan was correct in saying  that this man had sinned, I won't deny any of
these allegations. And, yes, the wages of sin is  death, and this man deserves to be  punished.'
 
 Jesus took a deep breath and  turned to His Father with outstretched arms and  proclaimed, 'However, I died on the cross so  that this person might have
 eternal life and he  has accepted Me as hisSavior, so he is  Mine.'
 
 My Lord continued with, 'His  name is written in the Book of Life,  and no
 one can snatch him from  Me.
 
 Satan still does not understand yet.  This man is not to be given justice,
 but  rather mercy.'
 
 As Jesus sat  down, He  quietly paused, looked at His Father and said,
 'There is nothing else that needs to be  done.'
 
 'I've  done it all.'
 
 The Judge lifted His mighty  hand and slammed the gavel down.  The  following words bellowed from His  lips..
 
 'This man is free.  The  penalty for him has already been paid in full.
 'Case dismissed.'
 
 As my Lord led me  away, I could hear Satan ranting and raving, 'I  won't
 give up, I will win the next  one.'
 
 I  asked Jesus as He gave me my instructions where  to go next, 'Have you
 ever lost a  case?'
 
 Christ  lovingly smiled and  said,'Everyone  that has come to Me and asked Me to represent  them has received the same verdict as you, ~Paid  In Full~'
 
Stop telling God how big the storm is. Instead, start telling the storm how big God is!

-- Author Unknown

24 March 2009

  I have been wanting to post an entry, but I guess with everything going on, I kinda got lazy in writing again.  It happens everytime I start a journal.  Seems like so much work sometimes.  Well, last Friday, 20 March 2009, we began our journey to Altoona, Pennsylvania. Here's how it went.
  5:00 a.m. We all got up and got ready to go.
  5:50 a.m. We left Lancaster City and headed towards Altoona.
  9:10 a.m. Arrived at Denny's in Altoona.  From there, I don't know the exact times we got to places, but here is what we did.  We spent $35.00 at Denny's. From there, we went across the strip mall to Goodwill. Anneliese got sick  there from Denny's food.  Doesn't matter what Denny's we end up at, she gets sick.  Danielle of course, found clothes.  A mini skirt and a pair of jeans.  I told her she had to pick just one.  What do you think she picked?? Right, the mini-skirt.  Anneliese found a pair of jeans, sized 12, petite. $2.99 for the skirt and $4.99 for the jeans.  I found a bean pillow for my chair, $1.99.  Ended up breaking when I sat on it.  HA HA. I don't think it was meant for that, the butt I mean.  From there, we went to Benzel's Pretzel Bakery.  No tours.  We bought BBQ popcorn.  Went to Baker's Mansion, also closed.  Took pictures outside.  So far, not a eventful trip.  It was nice though, we were together.  Then went to the Healing Wall, a wall with all the Vietnam casualties listed on it.  A mini replica of one in Washington, D.C.  The tour building was also closed there.  Then we went to Boyer's Candies.  The factory.  They recently stopped having tours.  (See where this is going??).  That is the home of the world famous MalloCup.  I had a free sample. I didn't like them. Neither did the rest of the family.  We are Hershey kids.  Well, that sucked too.  We bought two little bags of Jelly Belly beans.  Whoopie.  We struggled to find postcards of Altoona, and well, there weren't any, needless to say. At 3:00 p.m., we went to the mall. I don't know what it is called, but they had a Macy's store there.  I have never been to Macy's. I know my girls haven't either and I don't know about Danny. We got him a dress shirt and tie.  He was in the shrine earlier and noticed that it was more formal than I thought it already was.  I am glad we made the choice to get him one, cause all the guys had ties on!! After that, the girls were pounced on by a sales rep and were given a ticket for a free makeover.  We decided to do that and wow am I ever glad we did! My girls were already beautiful, but the makeup took away Anneliese's bags from being so tired and Danielle's zits. (Yes, I said zits, I ain't that old.) We took pictures of that. The girls were oh so happy!! We then went to Arby's where the girls changed into their dresses and Danny changed into his dress shirt. OOhh llaaaa lllaaaa!!! Such a hottie! At 5:00 p.m., we arrived at the shrine.  We sat there and waited, until I could wait no more.  Had to pee!!!! Walked down to the entrance and it was open.  Went to the bathroom and then proceeded back to the entrance lobby.  Melody Green came in the doors and I just stopped! I whispered to my family, 'that's her!'  She came in with her assistant, Amy.  I stopped her and said, 'Melody.'  She said 'Yes.'  Oh my, I was sooo excited!! I hugged her and cried and cried until I could cry no more.  All of a sudden, I didn't know what to say to her.  I pulled the letter I wrote to her out and handed it to her.  She put it in her pocketbook.  I introduced her to the family.  We spoke a few words, then she had to go and get ready.  She told us to please stay and relax and enjoy ourselves.  We sat at these big round banquet tables.  10 chairs to a table.  Darn we should had taken pictures.  Dan was in charge of that, and I guess we both forgot. GGRRR.  Tableclothes, fine china, silverware and fancy napkins.  A program for everyone.  I got to keep my tickets, because we came in early and Melody told us to go ahead and pick a seat.  The girls got the chance to meet famous people.  There was a little old lady who sat next to Danny on his left.  Danielle was sitting at his right.  Those three birds got a long really well.  I mentioned there was a important person at the table next to us.  Who is it, Danielle wanted to know.  I didn't know, but I could tell he was important for something.  The little old lady, offered to us who it was.  She then decided to take Danielle and Anneliese over to meet the man.  It was Representative Bill Shuster!! Pictures were taken and the girls' programs were signed! Later, during the meal, the same little old lady took the girls around to meet all the famous people there!  Sen. & Mrs. John Eichelberger, Commissioner  & Mrs. Terry Tomassetti and the District Atty., Richard A. Consiglio.  The latter, District Atty. Consiglio won the Precious Lifer Award as well that evening.  For dinner, we had Baked chicken breast, rigatoni, mashed potatoes and a salad.  Dinner rolls and other things were also served.  Danny went all out and tried the baked scrod. So totally disgusting.  Sounds like something I shouldn't be talking about, scrod, think about it.  Anyways, we had cakes and pies too.  They showed a clip of Keith singing one of his songs.  I cried.  Then Melody spoke. I cried.  Yeah and then I met Melody again afterwards and I cried. So, it was an excellent dinner and everything went so well.  After it was over, we hung out like Mel (yes, I am on a first name basis with her!!!) told us to.  In the meantime, we bought the DVD that is 4 hrs. long.  I didn't buy the other books, because of the money situation.  Well, Mel took care of that.  She gave us the other book, Make My Life A Prayer, a devotional and journal of Keith and then gave me the updated version of his other book, No Compromise. Actually, it was written by Melody.  She signed my original 1st Edition book I already had, to me.  The Make My Life A Prayer was signed to Danielle and the last one, No Compromise was signed to Anneliese.  And I know why.  Because, Melody asked her where she is in her walk with the Lord and Anneliese couldn't answer.  The No Compromise book is perfect for her, just if I can get her to read it.  Danny didn't get anything. HA HA.  (He says he got food... typical male).  We got all kinds of pictures. Good ones and bloopers. The bloopers were hilarious.  When she gave me what I didn't have, I cried more.  I just couldn't hold it together. Seeing her was just a dream.  It was a relief actually.  I know where I belong now.  I must get a hold of Mel on her website like she told me to.  I will send her the pictures too.  Must get downstairs to print them out too, while I am thinking of it. Only to get better first, so I can walk without falling.  That is another story for another time.  It was over maybe at a little after 11 p.m.  We left the building, oh I don't know when.  But it was late.  We were on the road by midnight, I know that.  We came down on the turnpike, but I wanted to bypass that due to the cost.  Ended up making a wrong turn or didn't turn or something, because we got terribly lost.  Then the inevitable happened. Danny fell asleep.  Grrr...  that left me in a pickle.  I couldn't see due to my diabetes and OBS.  All I could see was the yellow lines, the white line, the cars in front and in back and traffic lights if there were any on side roads.  Anneliese was too tired to be driving.  He was asleep. Danielle, well she's too young. And Jake was home. So, I had to try to do it myself.  Danny was so asleep that I couldn't wake him no matter what.  So, I kept driving on the same road he got us directions for.  He slept for 4.5 hours and I even stopped to  make a potty call and find out where we were.  We were in Bloomsburg, PA.  Like 200 miles away from where we were and the same mileage away from Lancaster.  We drove over 600 miles that day.  Halfway to Florida.  Finally got home at 5 a.m. Danny woke up when we got to the door.  HA HA.  We all went to bed as soon as we got in.  I woke up 5 hours later.  I felt something was wrong.  It was.  Jake got into Danielle's med box and ate a lot of her medications!! Darn dog.  I screamed bloody murder and got Danielle and Danny up.  He ate a lot of Midol too.  The damage was already done, and so we just had to watch Jake.  We put him on a leash and brought him upstairs, he laid on my bed and fell asleep.  He slept until 6 that night.  Danny and I fell back to sleep too.  Anneliese slept until Sunday.  Jake turned out to be okay.  A little groggy and all but no definite deficits.  Yes, we have had an exciting few days.  Joined Twitter yesterday. That is so much fun. I need to go now, have a prayer to say for a friend.
 

12 March 2009

  It has been a very stressful week.  It has been a stressful month, in fact, this whole year so far just totally sucks.  But  I am alive, I have most of my kids, and I have my husband and my dog, Jake.  Danielle and I have been at odds and the whole thing is topsy-turvey.   She and I had an accident this past Sunday and Monday I passed the sentence of punishment.  Danielle pushed me and I fell hard.  It was a matter of simply not asking me to move. There was no angry encounter prior to the event.  She just didn't ask me to move.  I fell against the bookcase and a bunch of boxes. I am bruised pretty badly and I had my husband take a few pictures.  I cried for over an hour when it happened and I lost my bladder control when I fell.  I was quite embarrassed that it happened mostly in front of Danny and Anneliese was also there.  With a little help from everyone, I managed to eventually get up.  I sent Danielle to her room because I was so hurt and angry that I didn't want to lash out at her unnecessarily.  I knew a punishment needed to be handed down, but I was not in the position to do it reasonably. The next day, I was surprised to find out that I was bruised as badly as I was.  My lower back was all marked up and has a lump the size of a baseball in it.  It hurts to sit or lean back, anything.  Danny took a couple pictures as I asked him to. I was also surprised at how people thought I should call the cops on her.  No, I am not calling cops, that is absurd.  It was somewhat of a accident.  But it could had been avoided if she had any respect for anyone besides herself.  I took her laptop her Dad just got her and her cell phone for a week.  I initially said she had to go to her room everyday after school and only come downstairs for supper.  I eventually lifted that and last night I came upstairs and spent time with her by playing games with her.  We had a nice time.  But every once in awhile, she tries to get me to give in.  I didn't do it this time.  Last night after playing games, she was in her room, then she came back here in my room and tried to persuade us to give in again.  When I didn't, she went back to her room and after awhile, she started sobbing.  Then she started wailing.  I was heartbroken.  I quietly was sobbing here in my room with my husband by my side.  But I knew in my heart that I needed to stay strong and that in hopes that she will learn I do mean what  I say and that I will not tolerate her being disrespectful to myself or Danny.  Danielle proceeded to have a full blast anxiety attack and a meltdown.  I have never seen her like this before due to punishment.  Her time is up on Sunday and she will receive her items back on that day.  It hurts me  to punish her.  I hate punishing.  It hurts me as much as it hurts her. But I don't think she sees that or believes it.  I want her to grow up to be a respectful person, no matter what anyone says or does towards her.  To allow her to learn the act of humility and forgiveness as Jesus taught us to do.  There is no easy way to do that all the time, but she could at least be respectful and not be loud when conversing with other people.  I love Danielle and I at least hope that she sees that and knows it. I forgave her for what she did to me.  I am still recuperating and have actually gotten worse since the event.  Now I am in bed because I cannot use my neck, I can't move it.  It is mostly on the left side.  On Tuesday, I got a call from the school nurse where Danielle was very ill.  She went to the bathroom and made a bowel movement.  She was already in the nurse's office due to pain in her abdomen.  Danielle had a lot of bright red blood in the toilet. My first thought was a hemorrhoid.  She came home, I had no viable money on hand, and if I took anything out of the bank I would be overdrawn.  But I needed to get her to the doctor. I took her to the doctor and found out that she indeedy has a hemorrhoid and she also has the beginning of a ulcer.  She was given a medicine for the latter problem.  As bad as I felt and as much as I did not want to overdraw, I took the money out of the bank and took her to the doctor.  Now I have a check that is going to bounce.  To Walgreens.  And my account is overdrawn.  Danny is trying very hard to make up the money, but it will not happen that fast.  Next week, on 20 March, a Friday, we will be going to Altoona.  We will be seeing Melody Green.  The widow of Keith Green, a contemporary Christian singer whom I loved deeply. Then on the 28th is my cousin Tina Gentzler's wedding.  The 27th, the car goes in the shop for inspection.  I am screwed.  I know that Danny is trying very hard to come up with the money.  Well, I am going to take the day and try to rest and get myself better.  Very cold today again.  We did have a warm spell, which I think helped my family get sick.  Today it is below freezing.  A good quiet day to relax, keep warm, play pogo and rest.  Everyone is gone today, Danielle is in school, Anneliese "had things to do" and Danny is at work.  Jake is downstairs sleeping on the couch I bet.  Court Tv is on and I am watching a verdict watch in a case where a woman is on trial for murdering her husband, shooting him between the eyes.  She is a nurse.  Raynella Dossett-Leath trial.  Oh no, the jury is deadlocked again.  I think the Judge is going to declare a mistrial.  Yep, that's what he did.  HHmmmm....